The Trip No One Wanted—and Why You Might Still Be On It

There’s a quirky little story in organisational psychology that perfectly captures a hidden truth about midlife.

It’s called the Abilene Paradox, and it goes something like this:

"On a scorching summer day in Texas, a family relaxes on their shady porch, sipping iced tea. Someone offhandedly suggests driving 50 miles to Abilene for dinner. No one particularly wants to go, but one by one, each person nods in agreement—assuming everyone else is keen. They get in the car, endure the hot, dusty ride, and return home miserable.

Only later does the truth emerge: no one actually wanted to go.

They did it for each other. They did it because no one wanted to speak up. They did it to keep the peace".

Sound familiar?

Midlife and the Cost of Collective Silence

This story isn’t just a lesson in groupthink. It’s a metaphor for midlife.

Midlife is often when we wake up to the quiet agreements we've made—without ever signing on the dotted line.

We realise we’ve been living out expectations no one questioned. Playing roles no one rewrote. Saying yes to things no one actually enjoys.

Welcome to your Abilene trip.

And the most dangerous part? It’s not always obvious you’re on the journey until you're deep into the desert, out of water, and wondering why you're so damn tired.

How the Abilene Paradox Shows Up in Midlife Family Dynamics

1. The Weight of Tradition Over True Choice

You’re still hosting Christmas. Still making the career work. Still showing up in a family role you quietly outgrew ten years ago.

Why? Because it’s “what we do.”

But whose rulebook are you living by?

Tradition, while comforting, can also become a quiet cage—especially when it’s driven more by obligation than meaning.

2. Sacrificing Authenticity for Approval

Let’s be real: midlifers are expert accommodators.

We know how to read the room, smooth the edges, keep the peace. We’ve mastered the art of making things work.

But sometimes, what we’re really doing is muting our truth in service of someone else’s comfort.

That job you stayed in too long? That marriage dynamic you haven’t named? That boundary you keep dancing around with aging parents or adult kids?

When your "yes" is about avoiding disruption, it's a silent "no" to yourself.

3. The Fear of Being 'The Difficult One'

You’ve always been the fixer. The steady one. The emotional first responder.

Saying "I don’t actually want this" feels like betrayal. Like dropping the ball. Like being that person.

But what’s the cost of always yielding?

Clarity? Self-respect? Vitality?

Sometimes, being the "difficult one" is actually being the honest one. And that’s where real connection begins.

Breaking Free: How to Exit Your Own Trip to Abilene

Pause and Question the Narrative

When was the last time you stopped mid-agreement and asked: Do I actually want this?

Am I saying yes because it’s true—or because I think it’ll keep things smooth?

Midlife offers the perfect moment to become more intentional. Not out of rebellion. But out of reverence—for your time, energy, and truth.

Voice Your Inner Truth in Small, Everyday Ways

Authenticity doesn’t start with a dramatic exit or a tearful family intervention. It starts with:
"Actually, I’d rather not."
"That doesn’t feel right for me."
"Can we try something different this year?"

These small shifts build your courage muscle. And that’s what helps you face the bigger moments when they come.

Expect Resistance—But Don’t Let It Define You

Let’s be honest: change destabilises systems. When you start voicing your truth, people might push back.

That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
It means you’re rewriting a script they’ve come to rely on.

Hold steady. Breathe. Reaffirm what’s true for you. That’s how the pattern breaks.

The Real Questions Midlifers Need to Ask Themselves

Ready to check if you’re stuck in your own Abilene story? Ask yourself:

• What would I choose if no one else’s feelings were in the room?

• Where have I been assuming others’ preferences without checking in with my own?

• What do I keep saying yes to—even though it quietly drains me?

• Who am I afraid of disappointing, and why does that fear have such power?

• What’s the worst that could happen if I told the truth? And what’s the best?

These questions aren’t for judgment. They’re for liberation.

Reclaiming Your Second Half With Intention

You don’t need to blow up your life, but you do need to stop pretending you’re happy on the way to Abilene.

Midlife is the chapter where clarity becomes non-negotiable. Where silence becomes suffocating. Where truth becomes sacred.

It’s not about abandoning your family, your traditions, your roles.

It’s about re-entering them with conscious consent.

Your Abilene Exit Strategy

The Abilene Paradox isn’t just about one bad road trip. It’s a mirror. A metaphor. A moment of recognition.

And recognition is the start of reclaiming.

So the next time you’re asked to do something—join a tradition, keep the peace, carry the weight—pause.

Ask yourself, gently but firmly: “Is this my Abilene trip?”

And if the answer is yes?

Consider staying home. Or better yet, choose a destination that feels most like you.

Let’s stop existing. Start living. It’s time to Live In Your Life.

A Quick Note:

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog - I know your time is precious and I am grateful you chose to invest some of it here with me.